I’ve gone through life with people randomly commenting on some ray of talent they think I possess, or some apparent cleverness I might have displayed in some area or another. I love hearing things like that, though I know at certain moments, it’s about the worst thing I could ever hear. On occasion, I’ve found, it turns me into a complete ass that I loathe being around. Mostly it’s because I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to find some profound meaning to my existence or use for my being. Such words prompt me, always, to think maybe I should be doing something different or better with myself.
I’ve realized one thing lately, as I’ve tried valiantly to slog through life and take it seriously; I really can’t. Or I shouldn’t, and expect to find myself happy at it. Maybe it’s the only lesson I’ve ever been meant to learn and should acknowledge every morning. There’s nothing that I do that I can take seriously. There are some things that are honest and simple inquisitions about the ‘why’, but mostly there’s some ulterior motive. While I love cooking, I honestly only do it because it’s fun to watch people around me eating, being surprised, having fun and laughing. It’s worth all of the preparation and gearing up and learning just for that one goal. Maybe it’s why I always gravitate to the outlandish, and find myself putting on a pig roast for the neighborhood, just because… It’s only ever been a gateway to something else. I love joy and laughter and a sense of being awed. I love seeing others experiencing that. It’s the only thing I live for.
I’m blind. If I wasn’t, I should have realized this years and years ago. It’s the only reason why every time I sit down and organize my thoughts, it comes out looking a lot like this… Every notebook and grocery list I’ve ever kept, from grade school to college to notes in meetings with clients looks more like this than not… Maybe I’m just realizing now realizing how much I’ve been fighting myself into becoming ‘something’ my entire life instead of just ‘being’ and seeing what the hell happens with it. I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons in the kitchen, most of all in just letting things become what they want to become in any given circumstance.
A fish will never lie about when demons have claimed its’ soul. I’m thankful that in spite of shopping mine around for so long none of them wanted it.