I think it’s difficult for me to walk away from anything. I like writing and telling stories too much. I wander around and do crazy, odd things. I make mistakes, and they often turn out to be the best thing I’ve ever discovered. Something in my heart of hearts tells me this is part of what I’m here for… If I don’t share it, I’m not living up to my part of the bargain. There’s so much shiny, tantalizing stuff out there that mesmerizes and titillates me to no end. That’s my personal gift for being alive. Maybe the payback is pondering it and reporting back to those who may have missed out on the shape of a cloud, the small lizard or brightly colored bird that crossed my deck, or pining on about just how glorious a red pepper looks laying on a cutting board. Maybe others do notice, but feel as if it’s something they should keep to themselves instead of talking about it with as much enthusiasm as they can muster.
If nothing else it gives me something to do with my hands and brain for a few hours before I just collapse into bed…
Maybe I’ve just needed time to reflect and resolve some things in my own head, let them unfold a bit and ponder, not say anything to anyone else about them for a while.
Mostly it was realizing that lately, I was looking back on things too much, trying to justify my place in the world, prefacing things with a nice little caveat, instead of letting them stand on their own. What changed about me? Little, other than the fact that I just got tired of feeling as if I needed some qualifier or some explanation for it all. I like and love certain things. They’re not negotiable with anyone except for me. They’re the centroid of my own little universe of thoughts and motivations, and ultimately everything, and the only thing, I would ever toil for. I’ve gathered knowledge and experiences and perspectives on things that others have not, and they wonder how, where and why… I’ve always felt obligated to explain – in fact, that was the purpose of this blog when I started – and I spent way too much time trying to paint the background. Now I won’t, because sometimes what you know, what brought you to a certain place or circumstance doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what hand you’ve been dealt, only how you play it.
Looking back too much, using it as an excuse or justification for where you are is pointless. It’s like walking with ones back to the direction of travel. You never see where you’re going; only able to watch the past pull slowly away from you to a distant and growing horizon. The present is something you only ever notice after it passes you and becomes a part of the same withering world. A future? A goal? You might have one, but you never know if you’re getting there because your focus isn’t there at all. Maybe it’s the reason why people with their eyes to the past yearn for so much; it’s all they have because they never see what’s actually coming at them, never feel as if they can change direction or do anything about it… They never allow themselves the joy of anticipation.
There’s not any sort of grand, profound reinventing, re-opening, rebranding of this blog, (in the back of my mind, I thought maybe there might be, to be honest!) just a simple musing about something I’ve learned all over again; Attitude, outlook, is everything.
Show me a person who wants to be where they are, who is eager to do a particular thing, who shows up regardless of money, title or recognition, and you’ll have found a person who will find ways to move mountains. A person who will learn at warp speed, overcome any shortcoming of natural ability. Show me a person who is apathetic or ambivalent about where they are, what they’re doing, regardless of their ability, and I’ll show you a person looking backwards, counting minutes down on a clock, waiting for the check and the whistle telling them it’s OK to go home…
I know this because I’ve lived in both of those worlds; found a place I truly wanted to be, showed up unpaid with all the enthusiasm and energy I could muster. I love it there, and I’ve influenced and contributed, and learned.
I’ve also been guilty of the latter, wallowing in another place that’s long since been routine, beyond a predictable rut. Sometimes, though, you inspire yourself even. Or at least call bullshit on it, realizing there’s no reason you can’t be enthusiastic in the same way as the other place. At the very least, if you don’t try, you’re doing a disservice by defiling it with negative thoughts and automatic actions. You’d be better off simply doing nothing. Better still, just get off the pissing pot, pull up your drawers and do what you know to be right. Have standards and take pride. Stop letting yesterday define you. Do everything you possibly can, as well as you can.
Moods are infectious. Happiness and laughter cause other people to smile and laugh. Sadness makes other people melancholic and sympathetic and sad too. Don’t be so quick to add sour to the sweet. More than ever, the world needs inspiration and people to lead by example wherever they are, whatever they’re doing… Even if I don’t always get it right, I’m realizing trying is the only real obligation I’ll ever have in life…